A Clicheless Crackfic
by Dashanti
Summary: People complain because all stories have cliches these days. Well, this is my attempt at creating one that doesn't. Crackfic! Randomness! No actual pairings, no actual slash. You'll see...


**Hey everybody, Dash here. I uploaded this story about the same time as my Naruto crackfic. This was basically made for the same reasons. In case I didn't say, I wrote these in order to have something to upload before my more serious stories. Plus, I thought they were funny. This story is officially my second, and it is also not very serious. If you like, please review. If not, review, and let me know. All criticism is welcome, good or bad, as are flames, because I don't care. See ya!**

People are always complaining about how all Harry Potter Fanfics are filled with clichés. Well I have created the CLICHÉLESS HARRY POTTER FANFIC. A story that, as far as I know, has no clichés whatsoever. I think.

Godric's Hollow

"Lily, take Harry and run, it's Him!" as Lily Potter ran, Lord Voldemort calmly Avada Kedavra'd James. He then looked down and, giggling to himself, began tea-bagging James, COD-style. "That game is awesome, heh-heh…oh right, evil Dark Lord. Ahem." With that, he began skipping up the stairs, his robes flowing behind him to show that while the outside was black, the inside had pink and purple polka-dots. He entered the nursery and said, "Stand aside, you silly girl, and I won't kill you."

"No, Please- wait. You won't kill me?"

"No."

"if I just stand over there, you won't kill me? At all?"

"No!"

"Promise?"

"Fine, I promise."

"Pinky swear?"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOVE, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

"Jeez, fine, anger issues much?" Lily moved aside, and Voldemort cackled. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" In a flash of green light, Harry died. As Voldie stood there laughing his ass off, with a crack he suddenly fell over unconscious, with his ass sticking up in the air. Lily was standing over him, holding a broken chair. Upon seeing his position, she quickly flipped up his robes, pulled down his undies and jammed a broken chair leg up his ass. She then pulled out a cell phone, took a picture, and sent it as a text.

SCENE CHANGE: AIRPORT

Two workers are sitting around at an airport when one of them gets a text. "Text from my girl Lily here. Better not be some Dark Lord with a chair leg in his ass… it's loading…OH DAMN! HOW'D SHE GET THAT SO FAR UP IN THERE!"

"Let me see…oh I wish you hadn't have shown me that…"

SCENE CHANGE: POTTER HOUSE

We now see Lily, twerking in celebration over Voldemort's prone form.

Reader 1: Hey Lily, you do realize your husband and son are dead, right?

Lily said, "Oh I know, random voice from the sky, and it's just so sad about Harry…" She then shed one tear. "OK! Imma go fuck Snape! Disapparate!"

Readers: Ah, Magic!

Dumbledore then entered the room. He first saw the crib, where Harry's body lay. "No, harry…I'm too late." He then saw Voldemort on the ground, with a chair leg sticking out of his ass. Dumbledore fell to his knees, lifted his face to the sky, and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOO! Ok, freak out over." He then turned to leave, before looking at the chair leg again. He remembered a muggle movie he had just seen not too long ago. You see, he had found out that if he took his new Divination teacher, Professor Trelawney, and attached a muggle antenna to her ears, and then shoved a power cord up her ass while providing it with some form of electricity, he could then get television FROM THE FUTURE. As he looked at Voldemort, his little angel popped up on his shoulder. "No, Dumby, you can't do this. It-this-this is MADNESS!" Of course, that convinced him. "Madness?! THIS. IS. SPARTA!" With that last scream, he Sparta-kicked the chair leg in Voldie's asshole, sending it up far enough to kill him. As he looked down at Voldie, panting heavily, he then realized what he'd done to his favorite butt-monkey. "NOOOOOOOOO! OK, freak out over." With that, he skipped outside.

Huh? Whaddya think? Funny? Here's the omakes.

OMAKE 1: Sirius and Wormtail

Sirius had finally caught up to Pettigrew. "It's over, Peter. There's nowhere left to run."

"Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?" As Sirius realized what the traitor was going to do, he also realized his spells wouldn't be fast enough to stop him. His mind suddenly blanked out, before he screamed at the top of his lungs, "BITCH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Peter froze in surprise, while Sirius pulled an Uzi from out of nowhere and filled Peter with more holes than a whorehouse. He was later arrested since he couldn't prove that Peter was the traitor. Sad face…

OMAKE 2: Dumbledore meets Taylor Lautner.

As Dumbledore walked away from the Potter House, he saw a little boy walking down the street. He thought he seemed familiar, so he went to ask his name. He played the friendly grandpa so the boy wouldn't scream and run. "Hello, little one. What's your name?"

"My name's Taylor! I'm gonna be a great actor when I grow up, so remember my name, geezer! I'M TAYLOR LAUTNER!" Dumbledore the kicked the boy in the throat before walking away. As he was leaving, he turned and said to the boy, "Zefron, motherfucker!"

AVPM FTW!


End file.
